There have been huge power cuts in Pune for weeks now. That is partially the reason for my sporadic entries. The other parts are pure laziness, and that things are coming to a close in this city. I have less than a month left on this program, just over a month in India, and my experience has been completely satisfying and fulfilling. I feel like there is little left to share that can be expressed through words. There have to be images and inflections to describe the rest. I also feel like my personal journey in India at this particular time is almost done. I have changed a lot in the past four months, some for better, some for worse, but I know that the progression is the important part. I feel like there is a lot more for me to learn in the world, but right now, the India section in my brain is almost full. I would not say that I am going to be happy to leave, but I will be happy to be going back to the familiar places and experiencing them through completely fresh eyes. It is not like last semester when I lived in New York City. There I spent all of my time with the same people in a city that I knew fairly well to begin with, and in a country that was my own. Here I have been stretched to the limits in nearly all ways imaginable, and I have met those limits with grace and open arms—most of the time.
I am really excited for my mom to come visit. I want to be in the presence of someone having their first views of India, and I also want to explore a new part of the country. Pune has become a second home for me. It is a place that I will no doubt return to because it lends such comfort. And certainly there are everyday challenges that come from it, but Pune in itself is not a challenge here anymore. My mom asked if India is a place that I would ever like to live. I said no, well not exactly live. I can see myself returning here over and over with the same child-like cautiousness mixed with the strongest sort of curiosity, but India will never be a place where I fit in. No matter how much time I spend in the sun and how much hair dye I use, I am a permanent outsider here. No amount of cultural education or language study will make me fit in. One thing I have learned about myself through this experience is that I like to be a chameleon. I like to fit in when I travel and live places. I like to observe the inner workings of a city or a culture from the inside. But in coming here, I have found a new type of observation, a more hands-on one. People can tell that I am an outsider, can tell that I obviously know nothing, and despite my ignorance, are willing to show me because I am willing to see and learn.
If India has taught me one thing, it has been the ability to know nothing and at the same time not feel stupid. I remember writing a few months ago “I wish my age reflected my abilities” and that is still the case in certain settings, but I also feel prepared to say when I don’t understand or don’t know how. I have always been a bit of a perfectionist, and the ability to make mistakes with grace is something else I have gained from this. I am proud of that, and more than that I am proud of being able to say that. I cannot speculate on how I will feel when I get home or when I go back to school and my life there, but I do have a sense of greater world perspective. This experience has made the world so much smaller for me. I feel like all parts of it are tangible, but I also feel so much smaller than I did a few months ago. I am but a spec in the big picture of the world, of the universe. I am but a spec.
