Its a Family Affair

Anju met with all of us today about our families.  She and I had a good little heart-to-heart, and I may have cried, just because I feel so under pressure all of the time in my house.  There are days when two or three times I do something wrong.  After I talked to Anju, I talked to Sucheta, and I really came to the conclusion that I just feel defeated so much of the time.  All I really want is for my Ae to like me, and at heart I think she does, but there is no room for error in this household.  I wish that my age and size reflected my knowledge about what to do in this house and this culture because I feel she may be more lenient then.  I cannot just retire to my room or my bathroom.  There is ettiquite for everything, and no matter how hard I try, I get something wrong. 

 

Anju recommended that I just wait until I do something wrong and Ae tells me so, and then explain to her that I don’t know any better.  Thinking about it more, I discovered that it is not so much that she tells me I am wrong or am doing something wrong.  It is instead that she does not tell me any alternatives.  She does not tell me a better way to do things.  So I just end up feeling helpless and like India had defeated me.  I am really just exhausted.  I need a break, I need some sleep, I need a change.  I think that this two-week break is going to give me a lot pf perspective on my situation, on how I feel about my family, and on how I feel about life right now.  Eight more days baby!

 

The thing is, I do not want to let these small instances color my entire Indian adventure.  I really love my Ae and my Baba no matter what I may say to the contrary.  I can name more things that I like about Ae than things that I dislike, but it is always the case that the negative things outshine the positive ones.  Ae for one is a pretty Western lady for being born and raised in India before Indian independence.  She is one of the best cooks I’ve ever had the pleasure to sample food from, and she can be very comforting if I approach her with my problems.  She lets me do my laundry when I want, she lets me watch TV when I want, she lets me bathe when I feel it necessary.  She is helping to plan my mom’s visit, she introduces me to her friends, but I still feel like a screw up so much of the time because of the little things.  Maybe I just do not have the right mindset to live in an Indian house.  I have heard the words “very bad!” referring to something I have done too many times in the past few months. 

 

Part of me just wants to say, “look lady, I’m living in your house by your rules, trying my best to keep you happy.  I only want to help, I only want you to like me, and I come from almost exactly half-way around the world, so if there is something I do wrong, I’m sorry, but I am trying my best.   Tell me what I do right for once instead of what I do wrong.  It will make both of us happier.  If you could tell me how I could do things right in stead of just pointing out this nebulous ‘wrong’ that you see in my actions, that would be just peachy.  How do you feel about that?”  But I’m not going to say that in part because our language barrier is so vast that “peachy” “nebulous”

 

Tonight Christian, a former ACM student, came to the house with his wife and two small children.  It was a nice change, a nice sort of escape for a few hours.  It was also nice to talk to someone who has been in my position.  His wife is from Maharashtra—if not directly then her ancestors are.  She was delightful, and really interested in what I am doing here and how my time is going. 

Advertisement